Secret to a Happy Marriage: Put Your Spouse First

Secret to a Happy Marriage: Put Your Spouse First
Mel Robbins December 1, 2016
The E! reporter, Giuliana Rancic, said putting her husband first, and the baby second is the secret to her happy marriage. I couldn’t agree more. As you might suspect, a nuclear meltdown happened online as women who put their kids first came out on attack. I was invited to appear on Good Morning America to defend Giuliana.
If you watch the segment, you’ll meet these two female bloggers who basically say the kids always come first and then laugh about where their spouses fall on the list…. “If you asked me what the breakdown was I would say my children, my girlfriends, then my husband. But…don’t tell him that because he doesn’t know it.” And then they laugh hysterically like it’s all a big joke.
Marriage isn’t a joke. It’s something we work hard at and are tremendously proud of. I want it to last a lifetime, which is why I treat it accordingly.
I bet her husband‘s breakdown is the same: my children, my girlfriends and then my wife….but don’t tell her because she doesn’t know it because she’s too busy focusing on her kids, her friends and her self. Marriage isn’t a joke. If you put your spouse last; it’s a tragic, sad affair. My husband Chris and I have been together for 19 years. Like you, our lives are consumed by the logistics of running a household, managing careers and caring for our three kids and a dog. Like you, our lives are impossibly busy. Like you, we love our kids. Our marriage provides the foundation for everything that we’ve built together. It isn’t a joke. It’s something we work hard at and are tremendously proud of. I want it to last a lifetime, which is why I treat it accordingly. If you stop and think about it, it’s the way it should be. You should put your marriage first:
A strong marriage is the healthiest thing you can give your kids. Your kids feel safe and loved when they see two parents who work as a team, take interest in each other, make an effort, display both respect and affection and act like one another’s favorite, even after all these years.
If you put your spouse first, your marriage will last your lifetime. If you want your marriage to last your lifetime, give it the attention and effort it deserves. Your kids will live with you for just two short decades. Putting your marriage on cruise control for 20 years, while you focus on your kids is like falling asleep at the wheel—deadly. When your kids leave, your spouse is the one who’s left. If you’ve made them your last priority (and think it’s funny) they’d be dumb to stay with you.
Spouses aren’t roommates, they’re partners and lovers. When your kids become the center of your universe…your role as wife gets shelved. Slowly you start to feel like a taxi driver, lunch packer and homework checker. You and your spouse become so busy focusing on everything but each other that you drift apart. At first you just feel really busy, but then you start to feel like roommates. You settle into that routine assuming it’s a phase. And you’re right it is a phase:—it’s the beginning of the end. Suddenly the kids are gone—and you can’t remember why you married each other in the first place.
You don’t want to raise obnoxious kids: When you make kids the center of your universe, they turn into adults who think they are the center of the universe.
Don’t you want your kids to grow up and marry someone who puts them first? Of course you do! And, its your job to teach them what it looks like. Show them with your marriage first
Related: 3 Essentials of Happy and Healthy Relationships
Putting your marriage first is actually really easy. All you have to do is to find small ways make your spouse feel cherished. You already do this to your dog, just follow that philosophy: Treat your spouse like the dog, only better: greet them at the door, always be happy to see them (wag your tail), go for walks every day, reward good behavior several times a day with a treat, give lots of physical affection every day (pet the dog) and don’t hold grudges (you don’t punish a dog for weeks on end for pooping once in the house…so don’t be mad at your spouse for something they said last week).
- Bring him/her coffee every morning.
- Hug, hold hands, often.
- Text/flirt throughout the day (reminders “just thinking about you xo”)
- Make your bedroom a no kids zone—explain to the kids that it’s “your space."
- Say I love you, in front of the kids, daily.
- Plan the week as a family, every Sunday to make logistics a minimum. You and your spouse should manage your family like it’s a team but you’re the star players. A friend of mine calls it “steering the ship”—the family may all be on the same cruise liner—but you and your spouse drive it.
It’s simple stuff if you think about it. Honestly it’s just about your focus. Life is busy. Technology overwhelms us. When you throw in kids, pets, work, girlfriends, etc—you have to prioritize—you can not do it all. Declaring your spouse as your number one priority is the first step, from there it’s pretty simple. My mom and will be married 45 years in June. To this day, I remember when dad would come home, he’d hug mom first and the dog would start barking at their embrace because he was so jealous.
I remember that we’d have to wait to have dinner until he got home from work, no matter how late it was. Even at a young age, I knew that we weren’t waiting because they wanted us to all be together, it was because they wanted to be together. I also remember how he told her he loved her every day and kissed her before he left for work. They modeled a marriage that I wanted. I wanted to be the most important thing in my husband’s life, and vice versa. I never felt a lack of love, just the opposite—I was surrounded by it. I knew my dad loved me, but I knew he loved my mom most. And, that’s how it should be.

My Quote

What's so ever an individual listen to, thinks about, imagine, dream of its determine how far he/she becomes great in life. - God'sgift Okpadiohwo

My question to my reader who are you friends, what are you thinking about, dreams, imagination.

Drop a comment below:

Motivation in Life

PERSONAL DRIVE;
Having Motivative To Change Your Life.

By: God'sgift Okpadiohwo
       2/10/2016

I will want to start with the meaning of motivation. Motivation can be defined in the following ways:
- As an internal or external drive that prompts a person to action
- Being able to pursue change in the face of obstacles, boredom, fatigue, stress and the desire to do other things.
- Doing everything you can to make the changes you want in your life.

Motivation Matrix
For every person, there is a different motivation that drives them toward their goals. The motivation matrix breaks down motivation along two dimension internal vs. external and positive vs negative. This result to four quadrants, but will produce different experience and outcomes.
- internal - positive: challenge, desire, passion, satisfaction,  self - validation (likely outcome successful change, fulfillment)
 - external - positive: recognition and appreciation from others, financial rewards,( likely outcomes: some change, partial fulfillment, dependent on others, for continued change and good feelings).
- internal - negative: threat, fear of failure, inadequacy, insecurity( likely outcome: some change, possible relapse)
- external - negative: fear of loss of job or relationship, insufficient respect from others, financial or social pressure, pressure from significant others.

In addition motivation to change means maintaining your efforts consistently. It also involves doing everything possible to achieve your change goals.

Motivation to change begins with what I call the three D's
D- Direction
D- Decision
D- Dedication

I will want to talk on the three D's that lead to change in goal setting.
The first D stands for direction before you can begin the process of any career path, you must first consider the different directions you can go in your life on that career you have chosen.

The second D represent decision. With these three choices of direction, you must decide on one direction in which to go. None of these directions is necessarily right or wrong, better or worse. They're simply your option. Your choice will dictate whether you make changes in your life and the amount of time and effort you put into those change.

The third D stands for dedication . Once you've made your decision, you must dedicate yourself to it. If your decision is to make significant changes in your life whether quickly or slowly, then this last step will determine whether those change are realized. Your decision to change will them become a top priority in your life. Only by being completely dedicated to your direction and decision will you ensure that you have the motivation you will need to achieve your change goals.

Optimism and Pessimism

Personal Drive;
Being Optimism not Pessimism in Life.

By: God'sgift Okpadiohwo
       15/10/2016

What is optimism and Pessimism

There are many definition to optimism and pessimism, I have decided to choose the following definition listed below:

Optimism
1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.
2. the belief that good ultimately predominates over evil in the world.
3. hopefulness and confidence about the future or the success of something.

While Pessimism is opposite of optimism, these are the definition;
1. a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen.
2. the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that all things naturally tend to evil.
3. the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems.

The various definition as been gotten list discuss on them more.
Optimism is a form of positive thinking that includes that belief that you are responsible for your own happiness and more good things will continue to happen to you in you future. I believe you have gotten some knowledge about optimism, how it differ from pessimism and more.

Ever heard the expression the glass is half full? It usually refers to how optimistic people see the world, what does it mean?

Just imagine that you and spouse are at a restaurant with your spouse and you then order the waitress to bring you both drinks. You and your spouse both notice that the waitress only filled your cups of soda halfway. Your friend is visibly upset and states that the cups are half empty and don't contain enough soda. Him/Her became upset with the waitress. You tell him/her that she is wrong, the cups are actually half full and contain enough soda to last for at least the first portion of our meal. Your response is to look on the positive side of the situation and is an example of optimism.

Another example about a lady being dumped by her spouse.

An optimistic female who is dumped by her boyfriend does not blame herself, but instead and may believe that the relationship just wasn't meant to be. People who are optimists tend to focus on the positive side of things rather than the negative. The opposite of optimism is known as pessimism.

Pessimism
In the examples above, your friend's response at the restaurant is one of pessimism. Pessimism is a form of negative thinking that includes the belief that bad things ( being dumped by spouse, never seeing your future bright, always seeing yourself as a failure, saying you never gone make it big in life, seeing self as a loser).

Being Optimism in life important and helpful in ones life.

6 Ways to Keep Your Attitude Up When Life Tries to Bring You Down

Instead of spending your time thinking about how bad things are, think about how good they will be.
A positive attitude is key to a successful life, so what happens when things go wrong? We have a tendency to let our attitudes take a dive along with our state of affairs. But life is going to deal setbacks, both minor and major, on a regular basis, and if we are going to be successful, we need to know how to keep our attitudes intact.
We need practical tools to help us understand how we can keep our attitudes up when the circumstances are down. Here are some thoughts to help us do so:
1. Take some time away.
You know what happens. You’re going about your day and everything seems to be going well, when out of nowhere, disaster strikes. All of your best laid plans begin to tumble. Sometimes circumstances surprise us and we react—and, unfortunately, this often compounds the problem, because by reacting, we tend to operate out of our weaknesses instead of our strengths. We make decisions that are not well thought out. We function with a bad attitude that says, “I can't believe this is happening!”
The next time life turns against you, take some time to just step back from the problem and think. This will enable you to rationally deal with the issue at hand, instead of emotionally reacting. It will allow you to put your state of mind back in its proper place. It will give you the opportunity to choose your attitude as you face the circumstances at hand. Remember that you don't have to do something right now. Go grab a cup of coffee and relax. You are in control—not the circumstances.
2. Keep your eye on the goal.
One of the biggest problems with trouble is that it gets your focus off where it should be. When racecar drivers get into trouble, they keep their eyes straight ahead and do not move them away. There is too much chance of wrecking otherwise. Instead, their eyes are on the goal—and this keeps them out of trouble.
If you find yourself getting down about circumstances, sit down and write out what your goal is, and give some thought to how you can achieve it. Make sure you’re keeping the important things important.
A man was asked how he was doing and he responded, "Pretty well, under the circumstances." The other man asked, "What are you doing under the circumstances?" Good question. We shouldn't be under the circumstances. We should be focused on the goal and moving forward.
3. Focus on solutions, not problems.
“The squeaky wheel gets the grease,” the old saying goes. Negative circumstances don't sit idly by—they scream for our attention. When we face difficult circumstances, we tend to dwell on them. We talk about them, fret about them and give them way too much attention.
Instead of talking about problems, talk about solutions. Instead of spending your time thinking about how bad things are, think about how good they will be!
Don't have family or staff meetings about the problems and how big they are; have meetings on the solutions and how you will implement them. Don't let yourself or other team members complain; encourage them to solve, with an emphasis on the positive results that will come from doing so. Then take some time to put these solutions down on paper so you can monitor your progress.
4. Get some positive input.
The mind tends to build on itself, so when we begin to go in one direction (like worrying), it can be a slippery slope. One thing we must do is get our thoughts back on track with positive ideas.
When circumstances have you against the emotional wall, meet with a friend who can encourage you. Pick up a good book and read. Whatever external influence you can get to put your attitude back on the positive side of the tracks—do it! It must be one of our first goals to start plugging good things into our minds to power our attitudes.
5. Tell yourself the good.
One of the greatest internal powers we have is the power to control our thoughts.
Spend time dwelling on the good things about your life or career instead of the problems. Think about positive things—things that you enjoy and that give you a sense of happiness and peace.
There is an old childhood song that says, "Count your blessings—name them one by one." That’s great advice! Let your positive attitude develop from within as well as from without. This makes all the difference!
6. Remember that circumstances are not forever
Sometimes it seems like we are going to be up to our eyeballs in the situation forever, when in reality, “this too shall pass.” There will be a time in the future when circumstances will change and you will be on the mountain instead of in the valley. This will give you a sense of hope as you live and work that will change your attitude, make you feel better and put you on the fast track for growth.

9 Relationship ‘Rules' Happy Couples Break

Rule 1: Never go to bed angry.

You've heard this one a million times, but "sometimes a good night's sleep will end the fight better than arguing until the wee hours," says Alex, of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who has been happily married for 16 years. Adds Marie, of Minneapolis, who has been with her husband for more than a decade, "While this advice is great on the surface, the ability to calmly and rationally get an argument across diminishes the more tired you get. Sometimes it's best to just sleep on it and tackle the problem the next morning. There's a good chance that whatever you were fighting about the night before won't seem as important. If it is still important, it's easier to treat each other with respect and not say something awful when you're rested."

Rule 2 : Don't keep secrets.

Depending on the situation, being totally transparent might do more harm than good. "There are some things that my husband doesn't need to know, and vice versa," says Kristin, of Winooski, Vermont, who has been married for 26 years. "Like when it comes to our daughters," she says. "Sometimes the girls confide in me because I'm their mom and they'd be embarrassed if my husband knew their 'secret.' I'd rather them share with me and get some guidance or understanding than not trust me. I don't think this hurts my husband at all, nor would he want me to break their trust." Susan,* of Brooklyn, NY, has been with her husband for 19 years, and adds, "The only secret I'll keep is how much I actually spent on some item like clothes for me or the kids, or some other expense that isn't essential. He knows at this point that I have my own math with this stuff, and it's somewhat of a joke."

Rule 3: Talk it out.

"I'm a proponent of the 'less is more' philosophy," says Kristin. "I think many couples talk things to death and revisit old hurts or betrayals, which is unfair." Adds Lauren,* of Sharon, Massachusetts, who has been married for 15 years, "We both break this rule. If we talked everything through, there would be little time for much else. Sometimes I book vacations or date nights without asking, but we trust one another to make good and fair decisions," she says.

Rule 4 : Don't try to change your partner.

If something's driving you nuts, it's better to try to find a solution than silently stew about it. "I try to break my husband's noncleaning habits, and he has gotten remarkably better about it," says Lauren.* "I think you can't break a person, but if you openly discuss your issues and work on them to become a better couple, that works." Tori, of Los Angeles, who has been with her husband for four years, suggests, "Instead of trying to change your partner, explain to him in a loving moment what your needs are. He will want to make you happy if he truly loves you!"

Rule: Maintain your own interests.

relationship rules to break

Rule 5: Maintain your own interests.

Hey, some couples just prefer to be together as much as possible. And it works for them. "We don't really do anything completely separately from each other," says Marie. "Though we do have separate interests, we tend to involve each other in them. For example, he doesn't like cooking, but I do, and I have him help me develop recipes and give input on meals.

Rule 6: Divide household duties equally.

Imagine how it might feel if you didn't care that you were shouldering more than your fair share around the house. Liberating, right? For some couples, it's the key to happiness. "I'm a stay-at-home mom," says Michelle, of Raleigh, North Carolina, who has been with her husband for 17 years, "so I take on the majority of the household duties. I don't really believe in dividing them equally because honestly there is no such thing!" Adds Tori, "No one wants to live with a nag, and it doesn't feel good to ride someone for household chores, so just do it yourself or pay someone else to do it. Make your relationship happiness a priority, not taking out the garbage."

Rule 7 : Have a regular date night.

No energy to schedule a babysitter and make a dinner reservation? Then don't! "We don't have much energy for date nights," says Lauren,* "so yes, this rule has been broken a lot. We know we will get back to it more after our kids are a bit more independent." Susan* adds, "We don't go on dates regularly because we enjoy spending time with our kids, and family, and friends, but we do make an effort to watch TV or a movie together at least one or two nights a week."

Rule 8: Make romance a priority.

Candlelit dinners, love letters, sexy lingerie…or not. With work and kids and bills and chores, romance in the traditional sense often gets forgotten—and that's totally fine. "Romance is not a priority at all," says Susan.* "As my husband says, 'It's last on our list.' But I think it's OK because we know we love each other and do little things daily like saying, 'I love you' and kissing morning and night." Alexa, of Columbus, Indiana, has a similar outlook. "This one is tough for us," she says. "We live and work together, and having a small business takes its toll on any relationship. But I think we remain happy because we really love one another."

Rule 9: Keep the kids out of your bed.

"We enjoy having our toddlers in our family bed until they are ready to move into a room together," says Marcus, of South Burlington, Vermont, who has been with his wife for five years. "This just means we have to get creative when it comes to sex. Who said you have to do it in your bed, anyway?"

20 Important Relationship Rules That Are Often Ignored

20 Important Relationship Rules That Are Often Ignored
1. Be Honest.
Be nice, but be honest. Trust is vital. Trust is gained through honesty.
2. Compromise.
There’s a complexity to compromising. With gender roles ever evolving it’s important to recognize it’s not about who wears the pants. It’s about balance. Compromise is an inherent part of a relationship. You will have to sacrifice in a relationship. That’s the nature of relationships. If you want your way all of the time, stay solo. It’s about finding a healthy balance in compromise. Both people in a relationship must understand that necessity of compromise and sacrifice in a relationship to make it work.
3. It’s healthy to argue.
It’s healthy to bicker. It’s not healthy to have screaming matches. Some couples brag about “never fighting.” That’s nothing to brag about. It probably means that one of you is holding something in.
4. It’s not your job to fix the person you love.
You can’t fix them. You can only help them fix themselves. You can’t resolve their work issues or wipe away all of their insecurities or get their parents back together. All you can do is be there for them and help them through it. Getting frustrated about your inability to fix your partner will agitate their struggles and strain your relationship.
5. Understand your significant other’s background.
It is important to recognize the person you’re with has not always been that person. They’ve gone through things to make them that person. Appreciate and understand their past. Put them in context. Maybe he doesn’t express his feelings because his family is not particularly expressive, or maybe she is so insecure because her ex was very critical. Be conscious of this.
6. Do not underestimate the power of thoughtfulness.
Listen. Pay attention. There is nothing more meaningful or memorable than mentioning something in passing and then having your partner bring it back up later.
7. Do not limit expressions of love to grand gestures.
It’s impossible to keep up. Fancy dinners or luxury vacations are wonderful, but love does not have a dollar value. If given the option between a weekly sunset walk or an annual vacation, the majority would pick the weekly walk. Money does not show love. Gestures show love. A free gesture also holds value.
8. Take all advice with a grain of salt.
Rule #13 stands, nobody knows your relationship. Advice/tips can help, but only you and your partner know what’s right for you and your partner. Don’t take any outside material as an absolute truth.
9. Research.
If you have a relationship question or need advice, the internet/books can be helpful tools. There is nothing wrong with getting some perspective and advice from outside sources.
10. Value each other’s interests.
If you have different interests, which is perfectly fine, make sure you value what their interests are. Even if vintage airplanes or nail art don’t interest you, do your best to pay attention and have respect for what your partner likes.
11. If you are not getting something you need, ask for it.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Your partner is not a mind reader.
12. Do NOT get your sex tips from Cosmo.
13. Nobody understands your relationship.
And you don’t understand anyone else’s. There are no exceptions to this rule.
14. Follow the Harry Burns Airport Rule.
Do not stop doing things you used to do in the beginning of the relationship. If you used to take your guy/girl to the airport, still take them. You should never stop trying to show your significant other that you care. Nothing is worse than hearing “How come you never ____________ anymore?”
15. Spite will get you nowhere.
If the other person hurts you in a relationship, hurting them back on purpose will likely destroy your relationship. If you feel the need to “get back at” the person you’re with, you shouldn’t be with them.
16. Split the bills.
Relationships should be even or close to even. It is not a romantic idea, but it is fair. Communicate about what you each feel comfortable with. No one person should put more effort into a relationship than the other, so no one person should put more money into a relationship. It will allow resentment and discomfort to build.
17. Accept that no one is perfect.
It’s about finding the right person, not the perfect person. The perfect person doesn’t exist. Everyone has flaws. Everyone makes mistakes. Prince Charming probably had one beer too many on occasion. Cinderella probably spent too much on shoes.
18. Don’t be afraid to have the tough conversations.
If the relationship is strong and going somewhere, you should bring up the tough stuff. If you’re falling in love but have some concerns, bring them up sooner rather than later. It’s difficult to have serious conversations but it’s better to discover deal breakers earlier on.
19. Trust your instincts.
If you feel in your gut something is wrong, bring it up. 9 times out of 10 your instincts are correct and ignoring them will get you nowhere.
20. Be wary when discussing relationship troubles with your friends.
To a certain extent, it is healthy to discuss your relationship with your friends, but be cautious. If you discuss every little worry, every argument, if you air every grievance, you will poison your friends against your significant other. Find a healthy way/source to vent to that won’t backfire. TC mark