9 Relationship ‘Rules' Happy Couples Break

Rule 1: Never go to bed angry.

You've heard this one a million times, but "sometimes a good night's sleep will end the fight better than arguing until the wee hours," says Alex, of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who has been happily married for 16 years. Adds Marie, of Minneapolis, who has been with her husband for more than a decade, "While this advice is great on the surface, the ability to calmly and rationally get an argument across diminishes the more tired you get. Sometimes it's best to just sleep on it and tackle the problem the next morning. There's a good chance that whatever you were fighting about the night before won't seem as important. If it is still important, it's easier to treat each other with respect and not say something awful when you're rested."

Rule 2 : Don't keep secrets.

Depending on the situation, being totally transparent might do more harm than good. "There are some things that my husband doesn't need to know, and vice versa," says Kristin, of Winooski, Vermont, who has been married for 26 years. "Like when it comes to our daughters," she says. "Sometimes the girls confide in me because I'm their mom and they'd be embarrassed if my husband knew their 'secret.' I'd rather them share with me and get some guidance or understanding than not trust me. I don't think this hurts my husband at all, nor would he want me to break their trust." Susan,* of Brooklyn, NY, has been with her husband for 19 years, and adds, "The only secret I'll keep is how much I actually spent on some item like clothes for me or the kids, or some other expense that isn't essential. He knows at this point that I have my own math with this stuff, and it's somewhat of a joke."

Rule 3: Talk it out.

"I'm a proponent of the 'less is more' philosophy," says Kristin. "I think many couples talk things to death and revisit old hurts or betrayals, which is unfair." Adds Lauren,* of Sharon, Massachusetts, who has been married for 15 years, "We both break this rule. If we talked everything through, there would be little time for much else. Sometimes I book vacations or date nights without asking, but we trust one another to make good and fair decisions," she says.

Rule 4 : Don't try to change your partner.

If something's driving you nuts, it's better to try to find a solution than silently stew about it. "I try to break my husband's noncleaning habits, and he has gotten remarkably better about it," says Lauren.* "I think you can't break a person, but if you openly discuss your issues and work on them to become a better couple, that works." Tori, of Los Angeles, who has been with her husband for four years, suggests, "Instead of trying to change your partner, explain to him in a loving moment what your needs are. He will want to make you happy if he truly loves you!"

Rule: Maintain your own interests.

relationship rules to break

Rule 5: Maintain your own interests.

Hey, some couples just prefer to be together as much as possible. And it works for them. "We don't really do anything completely separately from each other," says Marie. "Though we do have separate interests, we tend to involve each other in them. For example, he doesn't like cooking, but I do, and I have him help me develop recipes and give input on meals.

Rule 6: Divide household duties equally.

Imagine how it might feel if you didn't care that you were shouldering more than your fair share around the house. Liberating, right? For some couples, it's the key to happiness. "I'm a stay-at-home mom," says Michelle, of Raleigh, North Carolina, who has been with her husband for 17 years, "so I take on the majority of the household duties. I don't really believe in dividing them equally because honestly there is no such thing!" Adds Tori, "No one wants to live with a nag, and it doesn't feel good to ride someone for household chores, so just do it yourself or pay someone else to do it. Make your relationship happiness a priority, not taking out the garbage."

Rule 7 : Have a regular date night.

No energy to schedule a babysitter and make a dinner reservation? Then don't! "We don't have much energy for date nights," says Lauren,* "so yes, this rule has been broken a lot. We know we will get back to it more after our kids are a bit more independent." Susan* adds, "We don't go on dates regularly because we enjoy spending time with our kids, and family, and friends, but we do make an effort to watch TV or a movie together at least one or two nights a week."

Rule 8: Make romance a priority.

Candlelit dinners, love letters, sexy lingerie…or not. With work and kids and bills and chores, romance in the traditional sense often gets forgotten—and that's totally fine. "Romance is not a priority at all," says Susan.* "As my husband says, 'It's last on our list.' But I think it's OK because we know we love each other and do little things daily like saying, 'I love you' and kissing morning and night." Alexa, of Columbus, Indiana, has a similar outlook. "This one is tough for us," she says. "We live and work together, and having a small business takes its toll on any relationship. But I think we remain happy because we really love one another."

Rule 9: Keep the kids out of your bed.

"We enjoy having our toddlers in our family bed until they are ready to move into a room together," says Marcus, of South Burlington, Vermont, who has been with his wife for five years. "This just means we have to get creative when it comes to sex. Who said you have to do it in your bed, anyway?"

20 Important Relationship Rules That Are Often Ignored

20 Important Relationship Rules That Are Often Ignored
1. Be Honest.
Be nice, but be honest. Trust is vital. Trust is gained through honesty.
2. Compromise.
There’s a complexity to compromising. With gender roles ever evolving it’s important to recognize it’s not about who wears the pants. It’s about balance. Compromise is an inherent part of a relationship. You will have to sacrifice in a relationship. That’s the nature of relationships. If you want your way all of the time, stay solo. It’s about finding a healthy balance in compromise. Both people in a relationship must understand that necessity of compromise and sacrifice in a relationship to make it work.
3. It’s healthy to argue.
It’s healthy to bicker. It’s not healthy to have screaming matches. Some couples brag about “never fighting.” That’s nothing to brag about. It probably means that one of you is holding something in.
4. It’s not your job to fix the person you love.
You can’t fix them. You can only help them fix themselves. You can’t resolve their work issues or wipe away all of their insecurities or get their parents back together. All you can do is be there for them and help them through it. Getting frustrated about your inability to fix your partner will agitate their struggles and strain your relationship.
5. Understand your significant other’s background.
It is important to recognize the person you’re with has not always been that person. They’ve gone through things to make them that person. Appreciate and understand their past. Put them in context. Maybe he doesn’t express his feelings because his family is not particularly expressive, or maybe she is so insecure because her ex was very critical. Be conscious of this.
6. Do not underestimate the power of thoughtfulness.
Listen. Pay attention. There is nothing more meaningful or memorable than mentioning something in passing and then having your partner bring it back up later.
7. Do not limit expressions of love to grand gestures.
It’s impossible to keep up. Fancy dinners or luxury vacations are wonderful, but love does not have a dollar value. If given the option between a weekly sunset walk or an annual vacation, the majority would pick the weekly walk. Money does not show love. Gestures show love. A free gesture also holds value.
8. Take all advice with a grain of salt.
Rule #13 stands, nobody knows your relationship. Advice/tips can help, but only you and your partner know what’s right for you and your partner. Don’t take any outside material as an absolute truth.
9. Research.
If you have a relationship question or need advice, the internet/books can be helpful tools. There is nothing wrong with getting some perspective and advice from outside sources.
10. Value each other’s interests.
If you have different interests, which is perfectly fine, make sure you value what their interests are. Even if vintage airplanes or nail art don’t interest you, do your best to pay attention and have respect for what your partner likes.
11. If you are not getting something you need, ask for it.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Your partner is not a mind reader.
12. Do NOT get your sex tips from Cosmo.
13. Nobody understands your relationship.
And you don’t understand anyone else’s. There are no exceptions to this rule.
14. Follow the Harry Burns Airport Rule.
Do not stop doing things you used to do in the beginning of the relationship. If you used to take your guy/girl to the airport, still take them. You should never stop trying to show your significant other that you care. Nothing is worse than hearing “How come you never ____________ anymore?”
15. Spite will get you nowhere.
If the other person hurts you in a relationship, hurting them back on purpose will likely destroy your relationship. If you feel the need to “get back at” the person you’re with, you shouldn’t be with them.
16. Split the bills.
Relationships should be even or close to even. It is not a romantic idea, but it is fair. Communicate about what you each feel comfortable with. No one person should put more effort into a relationship than the other, so no one person should put more money into a relationship. It will allow resentment and discomfort to build.
17. Accept that no one is perfect.
It’s about finding the right person, not the perfect person. The perfect person doesn’t exist. Everyone has flaws. Everyone makes mistakes. Prince Charming probably had one beer too many on occasion. Cinderella probably spent too much on shoes.
18. Don’t be afraid to have the tough conversations.
If the relationship is strong and going somewhere, you should bring up the tough stuff. If you’re falling in love but have some concerns, bring them up sooner rather than later. It’s difficult to have serious conversations but it’s better to discover deal breakers earlier on.
19. Trust your instincts.
If you feel in your gut something is wrong, bring it up. 9 times out of 10 your instincts are correct and ignoring them will get you nowhere.
20. Be wary when discussing relationship troubles with your friends.
To a certain extent, it is healthy to discuss your relationship with your friends, but be cautious. If you discuss every little worry, every argument, if you air every grievance, you will poison your friends against your significant other. Find a healthy way/source to vent to that won’t backfire. TC mark

36 Questions That Leads To Love

In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.